It's at 2:41 in the morning when I get onto one of my many social media websites and begin to realize how my generation has become ignorant with their choice of words.
Over these past few years I've noticed how freely people use the "n" word--it always has bothered me, but it wasn't until this year when I became infuriated with the word and people.
Many rap singers have used this word regularly; it's been a word that is tied into their everyday vocabulary. I've heard in many instances that "it's okay" for a black person to use the word; however when a white uses the word it suddenly becomes "not okay," (Note: they still continue to use the word.)
So, you're telling me that just because a black person can use the word, it's suddenly okay for others to use the word? NO! It's not and it should never be okay.
What many people don't realize is that there is a lot of meaning behind the "n" word. Just because two letters have been cut off of the word and replace with a "g" and an "a" it is still not okay.
This word does not mean friend, even if they use it in a sentence to mean friend.
This word was offensive to many blacks during the period of slavery.
This word was used to show power over the blacks.
This word was used to describe a group of individuals as worthless.
This word was NOT used to mean friend.
I don't understand how a person of black decent can be totally fine with people using this word every day around them. I'm a Mexican-American girl and every time I hear the "n" word, I'm offended, annoyed, and bothered with the poor choice of words used by society.
I'm truly disgusted with my generation and some of the actions that they are ignorantly involved in.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
I've been so occupied in my college life. I honestly felt like I was trying to live two separate lives. I was trying to continue being the Christian girl that I've always been, and I was also trying to live a life of sin and temporary fun.
I found out about Chi Alpha through my church family back at home. I was honestly so scared about joining, because I was alone and didn't know anyone—that quickly changed though.
The first day I went to Chi Alpha, I walked from my dorm to Old Main. I waited for the elevator just like any other awkward elevator ride with people whom you don't know.
As the elevator approached the third floor, I was quickly greeted by people with such loving personalities. I was asked if I wanted a drink—of course I asked for water—and I then made my way inside of room 320. I was asked to fill out my name on a "Hello my name is..." type of sticker.
I looked around and saw so many students, but none that I knew.
I made my way to a seat closest to the front, since I've made it a habit to sit in the front every where is go. I sat there in my maroon chair with my cup of water reading the sermon notes and the announcement pamphlet that one of the leaders gave me at the door.
A few girls came and sat in front of me and as I looked around I realized I was the only girl sitting there by herself.
I then got on my phone and replied to Stephanie's text message, and then a girl with glasses and long hair came to sit next to me. "Hi, welcome to Chi Alpha. I'm Arla," she said. "Hi. I'm Ashley," I responded.
With a smile on her face she said, "Did you come by yourself?" "I did."
"Wow! That's so brave of you," she replied.
A few minutes later she was telling me about her experience at Texas State and I felt as if I knew her for a long time. I made a friend that would soon be the girl that is helping me grow.
"Well I work the computer during worship, so I have to go now, it was nice meeting you," she said.
Minutes later two other girls sat next to me and conversed with me until worship began.
Finally, worship was beginning. I missed being able to have the "church-y" experience. I missed lifting my hands and clapping during praise & worship. I was just so happy that I was finally be able to worship God again.
As I was worshipping, I cried a little and said, "God, I feel like this is where I belong."
The service that night was kinda just like a "getting to know each other" type of service. The leaders introduced themselves and explained that they would be having different bible studies (pods) throughout the week. Each leader explained the topics they would be covering. As each leader spoke, I saw Arla (the girl that first talked to me) was also going to be leading a Bible study and her topic was the one I was interested in the most and it was going to be held in the library on Tuesdays, which was very convenient for me.
After service I walked back to my dorm, called my mom, and happily explained to her about Chi Alpha and how I absolutely loved it. With a sigh of relief she said, "I'm glad" as any other mother would probably say to their daughter that loved a Christian organization they just attended.
When I first went to Chi Alpha, my relationship with Christ wasn't where I wanted it to be and as a result I slipped.
A few months after Chi Alpha, I stopped going to Thursday night service and stopped going to Bible study on Tuesdays.
A couple of months later, I went to College Station with a high school friend and decided that I wanted to temporarily have fun and experience the "college life."
I felt so horrible, because I know that taking shots of vodka was not the girl that I was. I wasn't pressured into drinking and partying that weekend; I willingly did it. I never drank and I never attended a "party" before that weekend, so this was my first time. At the time I felt like I was having "fun," but it was temporary and I felt bad about the drinks I was drinking and the flavored tobacco that I willingly inhaled into my lungs.
I felt so horrible when I was back at TXST. I made excuses not to go to Bible study when Arla or Bethany—one of my other leaders—texted me. How was I going to party one weekend and then sit with my Bible in my lap and my leg crossed in a Bible study? I wanted to be two different people. I wanted to be the Christian, but I also wanted more of the party lifestyle. So, for a few weeks I was just in a neutral position. I focused on school and that was it. I didn't pray, I didn't read my Bible, and I quickly changed the subject when the name "God" came into any conversation.
2 weeks later I received a text from Bethany saying that Bible study was on Tuesday at 7. I replied with, "not gonna be able to make it. Please keep me in your prayers." And she said "Arla and I will definitely be praying for you."
It was honestly a simple text that gave me a glimpse of hope.
A few days later, Arla texted me and said "Hey! I've missed seeing you! Hope you're doing well." I almost cried when I read her message, because I was so grateful that someone cared.
I explained everything to Arla and told her how I felt as if I wanted to live 2 separate lives and she sent me the longest text messages:
The night that Arla texted me was the night I realized that I only want to live one life, and that is the life with Christ in the midst of it all.
I went back to Bible study free of guilt, and today I received a call from the Pastor of Chi Alpha. He told me that Arla and Bethany recommended me to serve as a leader. I was so excited, because I miss being a leader. I miss leading Bible studies and sharing my testimony.
I went through a small phase of trying to find myself, and I did. I first found myself in Christ years ago and I still find myself there.
Over the last few weeks, I've been living my life the way I know is right. I've been praying more and rebuking temptation that comes my way. It's just so amazing that God knows and sees that I'm trying. And he rewards me by showing me that other people see my leadership skills and want me to soon be a leader.
I believe that people go through trials and tribulations, because a blessing is on the way. There is a blessing for every lesson. I can say that I LEARNED my lesson. I don't want two seperate lives, Christ in enough for me.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
I've been a college freshman at Texas State University for almost three months.
My experience here has been so amazing. I can't even begin to explain in words how helpful everyone is.
I honestly thought I was going to be super homesick, but I feel fine.
Last month I went home for a weekend and it was so weird to set foot into my own home, my own room, my own bathroom. It felt unreal to take a shower in the confort of my own home. I don't miss home at all. I only miss my family.
So far I've passed all of my tests (except COMM. I got a 68 on that exam, but according to my professor—the class average was only a 68.) I've made an A on all of my papers so far. And I've already made my schedule for next semester.
I'm not as stressed as I thought I'd be, but maybe it's because coffee is my best friend.
I'm so grateful for everything that I have thus far.
Texas State is home to me.
Until next time,
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
I honestly don't know how I feel, because I feel too many feelings all at once.
I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm optimistic.
I move in to my dorm this Saturday! Yes, this Saturday! I'm still in the process of trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm no longer going to have my family around. I now have a huge responsibility ahead of me. I can't believe that the time is actually here.
As each day passes by, I'm now realizing the things I'm going to miss, like my dog, my room, the smell of my kitchen, my church, my friends, and most importantly my family.
I feel scared, because I'm switching to a whole different and new environment.
I feel happy, because I'm continuing my education, despite the obstacles I'm facing.
I feel nervous, because who doesn't get nervous when they're about to meet new people and live in a new city.
I'm excited, because I'm the first to go to college.
I'm anxious to fail.
I'm sad that I won't have my mom and dad with me.
I'm confused, because I just always am.
And I'm optimistic, because I always have been. You see, even though I'm feeling all kinds of crazy emotions right now, I know that this is all going to be worth it. Everything I've worked so hard for is now beginning to show.
Slowly, but surely I'll bring myself to only feel one emotion, happiness.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
It's crazy how a series of dreams in one night about the same person makes you realize what you have to do in reality.
It's time for me to let go. It's time to set myself free. It's time to forget about him. It's time to move onto bigger and better things.
Now I know.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Currently sitting in the middle of a room that's about to be packed up.
I can't believe that in 17 more days I'll be in another city. I'm sitting here wrapped up in my newly-washed warm sheets about to shed tears. I'm growing up and it feels like it all happened too fast.
Yesterday I was just starting my senior year, and now I'm off to college.